Growing up Trans 3/11/26

This post will be slightly more personal than something I would normally post, although it's something I been wanting to write for a very long time now, and now that I have somewhere to actually write it (being this website), I think it's something that I should do. I basically just want to go over my own experiences growing up and exploring my gender identity, mostly just rambling to be honest.

From a young age, I knew that I was different, even before I started school. Back then, I didn't give it too much thought, surely it was perfectly normal for a boy to lay in bed and day dream about wearing a dress, lol. I never thought anything was wrong with these thoughts, it was just something that I wanted to do, although it wasn't something I ever really talked about with anyone either. Perhaps a part of me did know that it wasn't completely "normal" though, even if I didn't fully understand why. I just knew that it wouldn't really be something my parents would approve of, so I just never talked about it. 

After I started school is when I actually started to learn that the way I felt was not considered "normal", not back then anyway. I still remember how disgusted other children my age seemed to be when it came to the thought of wearing clothes from the opposite gender. I remember that we were sitting around as a class, watching a movie, and there was a scene where a boy had to wear a dress for whatever reason, and the whole class goes "Ewww", while I sat there confused at the reaction. I actually don't remember anything else about that movie, except that one part because it was an experience which was burned into my memory forever. I think that was the start of my internal repression of my gender identity. 

As I got a little older, I had other negative experiences like this as well, although more personally directed. For some reason, my family members would also make fun of me for being "too girly" as well, even for stupid things that I couldn't control, like not having any body hair as a child, lol? Or how if I picked to play as a girl in a game, somehow that made me gay. As an adult, I have actually talked about those experiences a little bit with some members of my family, and they had no memory of them ever happening. Some people don't realize I guess how much something like that can effect a child, they may say something without ever thinking about it again, but cause lasting pain. 

Once I became a teenager is when I started to actually understand myself a bit more. I was finally exposed to the LGBTQ+ community for the first time, having some friends who taught me about different things. I know many people have negative memories about middle school, but for me I am actually quite fond of that time, because it was when I was finally able to express myself in a way that felt right to me, even if it was only with my small group of friends. I was able to let my hair grow out for the first time, and wear clothes which felt a bit more right to me. I even gave myself a "girl" name, which I let some of my friends use (although that name is not remotely related to the one I use now lol). My family would still pester me about getting a hair cut all the time of course, but I was lucky enough to be able to just tell them no, and not be forced to. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of telling my girlfriend at the time about these things, and she soon after broke up with me, and told her friends, which began to make fun of me. That didn't last very long though, as my older sister found out and threatened to beat them up lmfao (she's based). After that, the girl actually tried to get back together with me, but I told her no, lol. I was a bit more careful about who I told after that though. A part of me still wishes that back then, I was able to transition more, with puberty blockers and such as well, but early 2010's Florida was not receptive to that, and honestly they still aren't.

In highschool I became a bit more separated from my old friend group, as we all ended up going to different highschools. I didn't exactly feel safe being open about those sorts of things after that, so I mostly just tried to blend in and look like a normal "boy". I was able to grow facial hair, so I did in order to blend in more, although a part of me still just wanted to be myself. Honestly nothing too eventful happened during highschool for me, related to gender anyway, although I did attempt several times to change my diet to one which would help me look a little bit more "feminine", with mixed results lol. Mostly I just kept to myself, only really being a bit more open online with some friends I had made. After I graduated, I began identifying myself as non-binary. It felt safe and comfortable to me, and it was nice to not be using masculine pronouns, since I used They/Them. Eventually though, that didn't feel entirely right to me. All these experiences made me remember what I truly wanted, which was just to be a girl. I am a little sad that it took me so long to actually realize that again, years of repression and such took their toll on me. But when I was 22, I finally decided that I was ready. 3 years after that I finally started HRT as well (it's been 3 months now :3). 

I try not to be sad thinking about what could've been. As much as I think I would've wanted to transition when I was 13, I don't think I was fully ready back then either, and the world really wasn't ready either. With the current things going on in America right now, I'm still not sure how ready the world is, but I could not stand waiting any longer. Really, the only thing I wish could have been different would be that I wish I had been able to learn about being trans earlier in life, and had support from a young age. Honestly, I am just really grateful of all the supportive people in my life now though, I don't think I could've gained the courage to feel ready to start my transition without you all. Thank you for reading my post, I'm not sure what the point of it was, other than just helping me reflect on my life I suppose. These thoughts and memories have been weighing on me for many years now, and it feels nice to just have somewhere to put them.

One final thing I would like to say is: please protect trans kids! Helping them learn about these things, and feel support instead of them feeling like something is wrong with them, or that they aren't "normal", would help them so much. You may not realize that the little things you say and do can have a huge effect on their lives.

Also I love Miku because she was part of my gender awakening as a teen lmfao. I wanted to be her (I still do).